Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
