My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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