the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize