Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
