I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
