dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
