the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
