we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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