I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
