I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
