I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
