Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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