she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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