you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
