that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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