Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
