Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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