So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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