Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to fling myself into the sun
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
