I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
