Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
