I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
