This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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