yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
