who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
