I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
