I'm going to jail i love you
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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