after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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