The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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