There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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