I am in a vortex of obligation.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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