Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
