Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize