she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
