I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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