I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
