it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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