she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
