I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
