i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
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I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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