i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
