Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
