Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
