I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
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