So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
