my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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