Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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