I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
