first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
