hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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