Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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