Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
