My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
