Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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