Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he fucked my hip out of place.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
