I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
