We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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