Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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