capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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