I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
