Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
