you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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